Heres how to be your own personal best friend

Heres how to be your own personal best friendHeres how to be your own personal best friendLast week, on a day when I was feeling particularly moody, my friend Sarah sent a text asking how I was doing. I told her the truth I felt overwhelmed with work, hopeless about dating, frustrated with my weight, and who CARES SINCE IM SUCH A LOSER JERK ANYWAY NONE OF THIS MATTERS.She immediately shot back, HEY. Dont talk about my friend like that and then proceeded to calmly text me all the ways I was actually doing fine - Im finally working on writing projects that have been dream goals for decades, Im actively choosing bedrngnis to date so I cant expect humans to come beating down my door, and I recently started working out with a coach which has already helped my lower back pain go away.I decided to believe her because, well, she was right like most people, Im usually way too hard on myself. I clamp down like a Venus fly trap when Im feeling less than perfect, holding fast to every negative thought and refusing to let in kindness. But when framed through the eyes of someone who cares about me, my life becomes less about the ways Im failing and more about the ways Im kicking ass. Sarahs simple admonishment - Dont talk about my friend like that - made me realize that no matter how much time I spent being a good friend to others, I remained terrible at being a friend to myself.As we get older, women invariably do for others before we do for ourselves. Maybe you have children or elderly parents that need your time and attention, a stressful boss, or a demanding partner. Putting ourselves last is a cultural construct, just like gender, race, and people who think reality shows like The Bachelor are not rigged. Setting our mental and emotional needs on the back burner just makes it easier to forget about them entirely. And, while best friends are great at giving perspective, support, and getting us out of emotional spirals - what happens when theyre not around?As we get o lder, women invariably do for others before we do for ourselves.Theres no way Im suggesting you replace your friends. If youre at all like me, it took you decades to cultivate a chump-free lifestyle, and we all need people to talk about the Real Housewives with over pizza and whiskey, OK? But knowing how to support yourself will help you feel more centered, independent, and able to actually enjoy yourself when youre spending time with the people you love. Becoming a best friend to yourself will take practice, it wont all happen overnight. Heres an easy way to start.Send yourself encouraging messagesI send myself notes all day long - my inbox is basically a virtual high-five session. Bitch, you look dope as hell today or You just wrote the hell out of that chapter Do I feel like a maniac having a folder full of emails where I am my own hype man? Yes. Does it help me feel better every single time I send one? YesIf it feels awkward to send yourself a positive note, just think about wh at your best friend in the entire world would say about whatever has you feeling challenged. Channel their goodness and send yourself an empathetic or invigorating message. This might feel silly, but theres actually science to back it up Positive affirmations are powerful reminders of what you value, they help shape the way you perceive yourself in the world, and even boost your performance at work. Most importantly, they can simply remind you that youre a street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm when you need an immediate boost of confidence.Take actionA good friend often has spot-on actionable advice - even if its something we dont want to hear. You need to give that saatkorn kind of actionable advice to yourself and actually follow through. For example, a few years ago, I was tired of thinking about my body only in terms of how I looked, and not how I felt. I knew my scale and full-length mirror were a big part of the problem. So, when I moved back to New York, I left them both in Seattle and never bought new ones. Do you know how good it feels to get rid of scale? Its like having sex on top of an active volcano while you surf down a wave of lava. I read too many comics but YOU GET THE IDEA.Similarly, I want to commit murder whenever Im stressed out and my friends tell me to go for a walk or take a yoga class they know I spend all day inside writing by myself, and that Im basically allergic to exercise. But, somehow, theyre always right - I feel better when I get out of my head and into my body. These are things I needed to learn how to tell myself. Now when I feel my shoulders creeping up towards my ears, I tell myself to get going and then simply get up and move around. Let me impart this critical advice If you already spend too much time in your head, theres no shame an emergency one-person dance party.Think big pictureIf your friends are anything like mine, they spend a lot of time reminding you that things will get better. Theres a lot of e ncouragement to KEEP GOING - to work on the things that bring us joy even if they dont make us money.On New Years Day, I write a list every year of 100 things I want to accomplish in that year. Its full of things small and large (read all of the books on my nightstand, go to Paris for my 40th birthday), and I look at it whenever I feel stuck or useless. It reminds me that Im working towards some kind of goal every day. Your list can be big or small, you can write on your birthday or Arbor Day or today, but write down some short and long-term goals to reference whenever youre feeling like you need to shake things up. Taking action, even a small one, could get you out of your current funk.Being your own person is mostly about trying to dig yourself out of the cycle of negativity that affects us all. If youre not sure how to start the process, call your best friend - or better yet, just ask yourself.Danielle Henderson is a TV writer, freelance writer, former editor and staff writer f or Rookie, and author of the book Feminist Ryan Gosling. Her memoir, The Ugly Cry, will be published in 2018.This article first appeared on Shondaland.