Heres how to be your own personal best friend

Heres how to be your own personal best friendHeres how to be your own personal best friendLast week, on a day when I was feeling particularly moody, my friend Sarah sent a text asking how I was doing. I told her the truth I felt overwhelmed with work, hopeless about dating, frustrated with my weight, and who CARES SINCE IM SUCH A LOSER JERK ANYWAY NONE OF THIS MATTERS.She immediately shot back, HEY. Dont talk about my friend like that and then proceeded to calmly text me all the ways I was actually doing fine - Im finally working on writing projects that have been dream goals for decades, Im actively choosing bedrngnis to date so I cant expect humans to come beating down my door, and I recently started working out with a coach which has already helped my lower back pain go away.I decided to believe her because, well, she was right like most people, Im usually way too hard on myself. I clamp down like a Venus fly trap when Im feeling less than perfect, holding fast to every negative thought and refusing to let in kindness. But when framed through the eyes of someone who cares about me, my life becomes less about the ways Im failing and more about the ways Im kicking ass. Sarahs simple admonishment - Dont talk about my friend like that - made me realize that no matter how much time I spent being a good friend to others, I remained terrible at being a friend to myself.As we get older, women invariably do for others before we do for ourselves. Maybe you have children or elderly parents that need your time and attention, a stressful boss, or a demanding partner. Putting ourselves last is a cultural construct, just like gender, race, and people who think reality shows like The Bachelor are not rigged. Setting our mental and emotional needs on the back burner just makes it easier to forget about them entirely. And, while best friends are great at giving perspective, support, and getting us out of emotional spirals - what happens when theyre not around?As we get o lder, women invariably do for others before we do for ourselves.Theres no way Im suggesting you replace your friends. If youre at all like me, it took you decades to cultivate a chump-free lifestyle, and we all need people to talk about the Real Housewives with over pizza and whiskey, OK? But knowing how to support yourself will help you feel more centered, independent, and able to actually enjoy yourself when youre spending time with the people you love. Becoming a best friend to yourself will take practice, it wont all happen overnight. Heres an easy way to start.Send yourself encouraging messagesI send myself notes all day long - my inbox is basically a virtual high-five session. Bitch, you look dope as hell today or You just wrote the hell out of that chapter Do I feel like a maniac having a folder full of emails where I am my own hype man? Yes. Does it help me feel better every single time I send one? YesIf it feels awkward to send yourself a positive note, just think about wh at your best friend in the entire world would say about whatever has you feeling challenged. Channel their goodness and send yourself an empathetic or invigorating message. This might feel silly, but theres actually science to back it up Positive affirmations are powerful reminders of what you value, they help shape the way you perceive yourself in the world, and even boost your performance at work. Most importantly, they can simply remind you that youre a street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm when you need an immediate boost of confidence.Take actionA good friend often has spot-on actionable advice - even if its something we dont want to hear. You need to give that saatkorn kind of actionable advice to yourself and actually follow through. For example, a few years ago, I was tired of thinking about my body only in terms of how I looked, and not how I felt. I knew my scale and full-length mirror were a big part of the problem. So, when I moved back to New York, I left them both in Seattle and never bought new ones. Do you know how good it feels to get rid of scale? Its like having sex on top of an active volcano while you surf down a wave of lava. I read too many comics but YOU GET THE IDEA.Similarly, I want to commit murder whenever Im stressed out and my friends tell me to go for a walk or take a yoga class they know I spend all day inside writing by myself, and that Im basically allergic to exercise. But, somehow, theyre always right - I feel better when I get out of my head and into my body. These are things I needed to learn how to tell myself. Now when I feel my shoulders creeping up towards my ears, I tell myself to get going and then simply get up and move around. Let me impart this critical advice If you already spend too much time in your head, theres no shame an emergency one-person dance party.Think big pictureIf your friends are anything like mine, they spend a lot of time reminding you that things will get better. Theres a lot of e ncouragement to KEEP GOING - to work on the things that bring us joy even if they dont make us money.On New Years Day, I write a list every year of 100 things I want to accomplish in that year. Its full of things small and large (read all of the books on my nightstand, go to Paris for my 40th birthday), and I look at it whenever I feel stuck or useless. It reminds me that Im working towards some kind of goal every day. Your list can be big or small, you can write on your birthday or Arbor Day or today, but write down some short and long-term goals to reference whenever youre feeling like you need to shake things up. Taking action, even a small one, could get you out of your current funk.Being your own person is mostly about trying to dig yourself out of the cycle of negativity that affects us all. If youre not sure how to start the process, call your best friend - or better yet, just ask yourself.Danielle Henderson is a TV writer, freelance writer, former editor and staff writer f or Rookie, and author of the book Feminist Ryan Gosling. Her memoir, The Ugly Cry, will be published in 2018.This article first appeared on Shondaland.

When its out of your control, trust the coping strategy of a master

When its out of yur control, trust the coping strategy of a masterWhen its out of your control, trust the coping strategy of a masterIts human nature to look in the mirror and compare ourselves to the images our culture throws at us every day. Being young, successful, body beautiful and wealthy are what our society thrives on, reminding us of what we should aspire to be. And so, we invest in expensive products, clothes, gym memberships, degrees, makeup, youth enhancements and the like grasping to experience what these images project happiness. Yet the U.S. remains the most depressed and overmedicated nation in the world.When we look outside ourselves for acceptance and dont find it we reach for control as a lever of hope. A plethora of industries are happy to take your money to feed your need to belong among the pretty people yet after you buy the Prada handbag, MBA, Rolex watch and Mercedes as a solution to the void you feel and the initial thrill subsides you are still left with t he saatkorn feeling of not being enough. More purchases of the same only leave the hole emptier. So, then we start trying to control things, people, and situations with expectations masquerading as healthy goals. This makes for more unhappiness and very poor leadership because while goals are strategic, expectations are emotional and if unmet leave us frustrated, angry and defeated.Next, you throw your energy even more intensely into your work because you are an achiever and working harder always paid off in the past. But the stress is affecting your peace, relationships, effectiveness and sleep. I call this cycle the treadmill to nowhere.Everything I read and study regarding how to break free of this cycle of exhaustion points profoundly to a Master who successfully dealt with oppression far greater than not having his dream job. The work of Viktor E. Frankl sheds poetic wisdom on the shadows of unmet expectations. Frankl welches a Viennese neurologist and psychiatrist as well as a Holocaust survivor.In 1942, Frankl, his wife, and his parents were deported to the Nazi Theresienstadt Ghetto. There Frankl worked as a general practitioner in a clinic. When his skills in psychiatry were noticed, he was assigned to the psychiatric care ward, establishing a unit to help camp newcomers to overcome shock and grief. Later he platzdeckchen up a suicide watch.Frankls concentration camp experience led him to discover the importance of finding meaning in all forms of existence, even the most brutal ones, and thus, a reason to continue living. Frankl became one of the key figures in existential therapy and a prominent source of inspiration for humanistic psychologists.Everything can be taken from a man but one thing the last of the human freedoms- to choose ones attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose ones own way, said Frankl.On October 19, 1944, close to the end of the War, Frankl and his wife Tilly were transported to the Auschwitz concentration camp. He w as moved to a camp affiliated with Dachau, where he spent five months working as a slave laborer and then as a physician until April 27, 1945, when the camp was liberated by American soldiers. Frankls mother Elsa and brother Walter were murdered at Auschwitz. His wife was moved to Bergen-Belsen, where she, too, was murdered.Occasionally I looked at the sky, where the stars were fading and the pink light of the morning was beginning to spread behind a dark bank of clouds, wrote Frankl. But my mind clung to my wifes image, imagining it with an uncanny acuteness. I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look. Real or not, her look was then more luminous than the sun which was beginning to rise.A thought transfixed me for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which Man can aspire. Then I grasped the meanin g of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart The salvation of Man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when Man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way an honorable way in such a position Man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment.A man who had lost everything found meaning in love and choice. Frankls most well-known quote is my favorite quote of all time and, for me, shows the value of vulnerability in even the most severe oppression.Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.Viktor Frankl had much time to contemplate how to tr ansform desolation into a will to thrive. His eloquent wisdom inspired this simple coach to create the PAUSE Caf Strategy to help clients move past self-doubt to innovation in the theme she learned from this Master. The next time a situation trips your emotions into a fight-or-flight response where you feel threatened, overwhelmed or angry try this practice to find the space Frankl references.The unterlass Caf strategyP Pause and take a deep breath.A Ask yourself, What am I feeling right now?U Untangle the difference between assumptions and the truth.S Step back and allow the pin-hole view of the world to be broader.E Extend empathy to yourself. May I be gentle with myself in this moment. Then extend empathy to others.For a free tip sheet on the Pause Caf Strategy click here.The truth is you have infinitely more choices than you think. Wishing you a Pause Caf moment today. You are enough.Mary Lee Gannon, ACC, CAEis an executive coach and corporate CEO who helps busy leaders get off the treadmill to nowhere to be more effective, earn more, bemore calm and enjoyconnected relationships with the people who matter while it still matters.Watch her FREE Master Class training on Three Things to Transform Your Life and Career Right Now atwww.MaryLeeGannon.com.

Reading body language at work 5 mistakes to avoid

Reading body language at work 5 mistakes to avoidReading body language at work 5 mistakes to avoidHuman beings are genetically programmed to look for facial and behavioral cues and to quickly understand their meaning. We see someone gesture and automatically make a judgment about the intention of that gesture.And weve been doing this for a long, long time. As a species, we knew how to win friends and influence people - or avoid/placate/confront those we couldnt befriend - long before we knew how to use words.But our ancient ancestors faced threats and challenges very different from those we confront in todays modern society, with its layers of social restrictions and nuanced meanings adding to the intricacies of our interpartieal dealings. This is especially true in workplace settings, where each corporate culture adds it own complexities and guidelines for correct behavior.Ladders is now on SmartNewsDownload the SmartNews app and add the Ladders channel to read the latest career n ews and advice wherever you go.No matter what the culture at your workplace, the ability to read nonverbal signals can provide significant advantages for the way you deal with people. You can start to gain those advantages by avoiding these five common mistakes.1. Forgetting to consider the contextImagine this scene You come into the office and leidice your coworker whos seated behind her desk in the cubicle next to yours. Her head is down, her eyes are closed and shes hunched over, shivering slightly, and hugging herself.Now the scene changes . . .You see the same woman, in the same physical position, sitting on a bench at a bus stop. Its a freezing-cold winter evening with a light snow falling and a north wind blowing. Her nonverbal signals are the same but the new setting has altered your perception of those signals. In a flash, shes gone from telling you, Im in distress to Im really coldThe meaning of nonverbal communication changes as the context changes. We cant begin to under stand someones behavior without considering the circumstances under which the behavior occurred.2. Trying to find meaning in a single gesture.Nonverbal cues occur in what is called a gesture cluster - a group of movements, postures, and actions that reinforce a common point. A single gesture can have several meanings or mean nothing at all, but when you couple that single gesture with other nonverbal signals, the meaning becomes clearer.For example, a person may cross his arms for any number of reasons. But when that action is coupled with a scowl, a headshake, and legs turned away from you, you now have a composite picture and reinforcement to conclude that he is displeased or resistant to whatever you just proposed.3. Focusing too much on whats being said.If you hear only what people are saying, youll miss what they really mean.A manager I was coaching appeared calm and reasonable as she outlined the reasons she should delegate more responsibility to her staff. But when she read the list she also (almost imperceptibly) shuddered. While her words declared her intention of empowering employees, the quick, involuntary shudder was saying loud and clear, I really dont want to do this4. Not knowing a persons baseline.You need to know how a person normally behaves so that you can spot meaningful deviations.Heres the sort of thing that can happen when you dont A few years ago, I was giving a presentation to the CEO of a financial services company, outlining a speech I was scheduled to deliver to his leadership team the next day. And it wasnt going well.Our meeting lasted almost an hour, and through that entire time, the CEO sat at the conference table with his arms tightly crossed. He didnt once smile, lean forward or nod encouragement. When I finished, he said thank you without making eye contact - and left the room.I was sure that his nonverbal communication was telling me that my speaking engagement would be canceled. But when I walked to the elevator, the exec utives assistant came to tell me how impressed her boss had been with my presentation.I was shocked and I asked how he would have reacted had he not liked it. Oh, said the assistant, her smile acknowledging that she had seen others react as I did, He would have gotten up in the middle of your presentation and walked outThe only nonverbal signals that I had received from that CEO were ones I judged to be negative. What I didnt realize was that, for that individual, this was his normal behavior.5. Judging body language through the bias of ones own culture.When we talk about culture, were generally talking about a set of shared values that a group of people holds. And while some of a cultures values are taught explicitly, most of them are absorbed subconsciously, at a very early age. Such values affect how members of the group think and act and, more important, the kind of criteria by which they judge others.Cultural meanings render some nonverbal behaviors as normal and right and othe rs as strange or wrong. From greetings to hand gestures to the use of space and touch, whats proper and correct in one culture may be ineffective - or even offensive - in another.For example, in North America, the correct way to wave hello and goodbye is palm out, fingers extended, with the hand moving side to side. That same gesture means No throughout Mediterranean Europe and Latin America. In Peru it means Come here, and in Greece, where its called the moutza, the gesture is a serious insult, and the closer the hand to the other persons face, the more threatening it is considered to be.Remember Body language cues are undeniable. But to decode them accurately, you need to understand them in context, view them in clusters, evaluate them in relation to what is being said, assess them for consistency, and filter them for cultural influences. If you do so, youll be well on your way to gaining the nonverbal advantage in work situations, among others.Carol Kinsey Goman, Ph.D., is an i nternational keynote speaker and leadership presence coach. Shes the author of The Silent Language of Leaders How Body Language Can Help or Hurt How You Lead and creator of LinkedInLearnings video series Body Language for Leaders. For more information, visithttps//CarolKinseyGoman.com.